Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
