Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
