You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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