I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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