Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
