well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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