I want to walk on stilts...naked
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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