So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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