My friends, they love my intelligence
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize