We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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