I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
