Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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