you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
