If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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