Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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