I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
