You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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