woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
