If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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