I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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