just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
