So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
