you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
