2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
