Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
