In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
