I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
