im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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