totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
