but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
