If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
