i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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