If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize