i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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