I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
