Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
