a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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