I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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