You made me cry and you don't even care
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
