gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
