omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
