If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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