At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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