i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
