wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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