If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
