he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
