I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
