Do you still have your period?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
