she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
