Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
