we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
That accounts for only three of the penises
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize