cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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