All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize