I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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