New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
