I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
