I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
