he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
