I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
