Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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