Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
