Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
