I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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