girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
